If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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