Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
