There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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