your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
