You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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