You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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