I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
