Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
