every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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