every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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