see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
