My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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