When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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