were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
