can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
