You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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