Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
