I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
