My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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