When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
