I'm drive I can fine osifer
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize