GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
