We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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