Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am available for nakedness
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
