I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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