if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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