Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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