I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
