If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet