Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina