if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
