the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
