how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
