i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
