i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Houston, we have a blender
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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