dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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