I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
