i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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