If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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