He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
