4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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