my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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