with your own penis?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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