So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
