How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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