She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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