i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
