In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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