i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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