Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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