so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Randomize
