i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
