I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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