Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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