I cannot find my penis.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
