I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
